overcoming


Say it to yourself in the mirror every morning

Three simple words.

My coworker/friend gave me some advice and that was to say these words to myself every morning in the mirror. I haven’t done it consistently to be honest. It’s crazy how ourselves sometimes comes last on our list of people to show love to. I’ve gone through so much self-doubt in my life that I’m not surprised at this. Of course, I acknowledge it and recognize that is why sometimes I can’t seem to show myself kindness, gentleness, fairness and sincerity. It’s really crazy to think about.

I’m on another cleanse and what I love about cleanses is that it helps me not just detox my body and physiology, but the mental and emotional parts of me too. Last time I did a cleanse, I had the biggest breakdown. I cried for hours and hours just feeling it all…all the stuff I pushed away and denied to surface. After all the tears, I felt lighter. Today, which starts the tail end of my cleansing process, I just feel like I woke up. I have been in a huge fog of depression, anxiety, doubt and anger the last few months. Mostly with myself, and also with everything else…which didn’t make sense all the time but it happened. It was like I had a chip on my shoulder; I was easily triggered, difficult to calm.

This isn’t at all unfamiliar. I’ve battled depression at many times in my life, starting very young around middle school, a little through high school, and definitely through my early 20’s. I managed to heal myself through those eras of sadness, until my dad got sick a few years ago. I was angry, hopeless, sad beyond comfort, unmotivated and just frozen by it. It was a different kind of depression because it wasn’t sprouted from something I felt within, but something external and out of my control mostly. I couldn’t help but be sad for what felt like a really long time. Then eventually, acceptance and peace came. I prayed, I took care of myself,  along with helping my dad and I didn’t feel so sad anymore. But then it crept back this year, strong and heavy as I watched my dad’s Parkinson’s progress. I’m still sad, so very sad and I miss my dad. Yes, he’s still here but sometimes I wonder, is he really? When his behavior is odd or he doesn’t remember or do things how he used to, my heart breaks. I’ve been so sad about this the last few months that I haven’t been able to function properly. I have let so much fall to the wayside…my health, the wedding planning, work, running, and even helping my dad. I just put up this wall so I wouldn’t have to feel. It has been really hard and sad.

Right now, with the help of this cleanse, prayer, reading self-help books and talking to people, I’m trying to rebuild myself to something more familiar, less sad. Someone who can celebrate and not want to hide from people and occasions because of my depression. I’m tired of letting things fall to the wayside because I cannot begin to tell you how much I have to organize, clean, and fix because I’ve ignored it due to lack of desire and motivation to get to it. I need to lose weight because I didn’t exercise and eat right because I didn’t care. I have to go back to church and find my peace again because it just wasn’t something I wanted to do. I have to get back to planning our wedding because I haven’t done anything in the last 6 months for it because sadly, I had no desire. I can’t believe how much I am setback but it’s okay, I know that I can remedy all these things and get back on my feet. That’s my focus now.

I sometimes feel like I’m not enough or I don’t do enough. When that happens, I try to take the perspective of an outsider and say to myself, “Outside looking in, you do a hell of a lot.” I know I do but sometimes, crazily enough, I’m so influenced by stuff I see out in the world. But I know not all those people I compare myself to have it together. Snapshots of their lives on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are all the edited to perfection versions. Many are probably like me, just trying to get through life and find some kind of happiness. I need to remember that…comparison is toxic. My depression found its way to manipulate that perspective into creating this disillusioned version of myself that should be this, should be that, doing this and doing that–all perfectly and Instagram-worthy, of course. That’s not me and I need to stop thinking that’s what I have to strive for. My life’s too complicated and full to be able to edit it to perfection.

I guess that may be why I have laid low with doing any crafts or projects. First, I don’t think it’s okay to work on stuff for others if I’m not in the right heart or mindset. It takes away from the creativity, passion and love I should be putting into my work. Second, I felt challenged, like I needed to be better immediately, to be good as this person and that person. I didn’t like that feeling so I just didn’t put myself out there as much. Anyway, I told myself that I’d really get back to it when I was ready and felt right to do so. It’ll always be there but my sanity and well-being will not if I don’t take care of it.

I feel better after writing this all out. I don’t feel so imprisoned by my feelings and thoughts anymore. I don’t want to be chained down by them any longer. I want to take care of myself now and vow to. I owe it to myself to try to be healthy in all ways and that is what I will pursue. I’m only human so I know that this is all part of life’s ups and downs. But I want more ups, so first thing I’ll do tomorrow morning is say those three words to myself.  Gotta start somewhere.

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my first cleanse: day three and four

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-Buddh

I didn’t get to post anything last night because I was dead tired. That’s one of the struggles I’m having while on this cleanse is that by the afternoon, I’m really tired. In fact today (for day four), I took a nap as soon as I came home. I felt refreshed when I woke up an hour and a half later, but I was hungry because I had missed the snack I should have had. Anyway, let me talk about day three and four…

I didn’t get a picture of my smoothie and juices yesterday but I had a yummy kale and pineapple smoothie with vegan protein and almond milk, another Green Goblin and a Red Raspberry. All were delicious.Today I added one of the new juices that contained nectarine. OMG, this was so good! They also gave me some of their quinoa salad and a broccoli soup…both were really good. I’m also still eating the quinoa and stifry that I prepped on Sunday and this is I think the worst part. Maybe I didn’t cook the quinoa with enough water or that I’m used to have a little more oil/butter with it to make it softer, but I’m just not feeling it. I did also use a different variation from the regular, normal quinoa so maybe that’s why. But anyway, the veggie stirfy is not exciting to me either. I don’t know why I decided to cook this when I normally am not a huge fan of stirfy. I guess because it was an easy go to? I’m loving the soups I’ve been making and I feel like I could actually have this stuff when I’m off the cleanse. Last night’s blend was spinach, cabbage, cilantro (lots), garlic, salt, pepper, lemon juice and a little chili powder. It’s delish! I continued to have my snacks of cucumber, sweet peppers, cherries, blueberries, kiwi, and purple yam. At night is when I feel the hungriest so I cut up banana, avocado and pour over a little almond milk to fill me up…it’s yummy too!

Yesterday was interesting because in the morning, I happened to have a conversation with my work friend about life. She noticed the quote in the picture above and she said that she’s been trying to change her perspective on a lot of things. I can already tell it’s working because I see a shift in her attitude, the way she carries herself and just overall how she is. She deserves it and I’m really happy for her. The conversation had me really thinking about my own life and I even told her that for some reason, I can’t find that kind of depth I need in my life. I’ve had so much going on in my life that I feel like I’ve just been going about it in a robotic way and it feels wrong. It doesn’t feel like it’s enough, like there’s gotta be more to it. Even with the hobbies I’ve picked up that I’ve grown to love, I still feel this need to have something that really pulls at me and confirms that this is my purpose and reason for living. I think part of it is because I’ve been dreaming and daydreaming about wanting to do the things that I really enjoy. I don’t even think I’m making sense right now but I just feel so stuck in the routine sometimes that I feel like I could do this everyday and each day seems like the last. That’s not how it should be but I’ve been trying to work on it. Looks like I have a few things I need to sort out for myself. My work friend recommended reading A New Earth: Awakening Your LIfe’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle and I started reading it last night. I’m opening myself to it in hopes of it helping me through the stuff I’ve been feeling.

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Good to have little reminders around for encouragement!

So mentally that’s where I’ve been at. The thoughts have carried over to today and I’ve had a rough night of emotions. Whether its this cleanse or emotions, I’ve found myself crying over the thoughts that I started to have yesterday. I’m drained now from the realization that there’s more that I need to “cleanse” besides my physical body but the mental and emotional parts of me that need work on, and I know that will take more than a week. It’s a lifetime really of continuing to work past thoughts, worries, fears, anger, sadness and other emotions and behavior that can weigh us down. I’m prone to letting myself give into negative feelings and I think that I’ve gotten better with it as I’ve gotten older, but I still have a long ways to go. I know it’s going to be okay…it’s distressing at first to feel like you’ve been suppressing a lot of feelings and emotions and then to finally have them come pouring out. I don’t think I’ve been denying myself of feeling certain things but that I’ve grown to understand that there are some battles that we should just pass on. I think that’s something I have to learn to really be okay with; if something not so great comes my way I don’t always have to address it with my emotions and energy, especially negative emotions and energy. Things pass and I’ve gotta learn to be okay with that.
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The things that detoxing bring out…It’s kind of surprising. Now to shower, dry brush and hopefully have a restful night’s sleep.

my first cleanse: day one

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I made it through the first day! At times, barely and to be honest, right now. I’m eating half an avocado as we speak because I had the strongest grumble in my tummy after I did my dry brush (I’ll explain later). I did pretty well for most of the day until the afternoon hit. I was soooo sleepy and tired. If I weren’t on a cleanse, I would’ve turned to a cup of tea. When I got to my fiancé’s, I almost immediately fell asleep. I know it’s because I’m lacking sleep from the last couple late nights I’ve been doing. I just had to give myself a mani last night…

Anyway, here is the smoothie and the juices I got for today:

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They were all delicious! It was my first smoothie from them and I loved it!

I did okay with food. I made sure to eat  but by the time it came to eating my actual lunch, I wasn’t too hungry. Throughout the day I had my creamy arugula and avocado soup, a cucumber with hummus, sweet peppers, fruit and purple yams to snack on. I think it was a bad idea not to eat my lunch because it added to my tired feeling. I won’t be skipping that meal again for sure! I know, I’m crazy for even doing so. Dinner was hard cus I watched my fiancé eat some chicken that looked SO damn delicious. I was jealous. But I ate my dinner and life moved on, lol. It didn’t help though when my mom called me to tell me she’s making two of my favorite Filipino dishes with delicious fried pork belly. She’s saving me some to eat when I’m done with this cleanse. Can’t wait! 😝

I felt pretty upbeat for most of the day but I know my hormones are going to start kicking in because of Mother Nature so between doing this cleanse and that, I expect more emotions to come out. That’s where the quote up there comes into play…if I don’t have the food I love, I cannot give love. Lol, I’m kidding of course. It was just a nice saying that Father Dan shared at Mass this Sunday that’s really got me thinking. It’s good to have it in mind during this week (plus I’m getting Confirmed in the Catholic Church this Saturday!).

So about the dry brush…As part of the cleanse, it is recommended to do a dry brush to my body. There’s a specific process to it to help stimulate circulation and lymph movement. It felt like it took forever because you have to do one extremity at a time, then your torso all the way up to your neck. I was trying to be thorough and make sure to do it properly so it felt like it took really long. But afterward, I felt great and relaxed. My skin was super soft too.

Well, that pretty much sums up my first day. I’m about ready to go to bed, as I should since I’m lacking sleep. Definitely important to get good rest during this cleanse. Good night, folks! Tomorrow is another day. 🙂

my first cleanse: preparation

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I’m starting my first cleanse because…it’s the cool thing to do! Haha, I wish that were the only reason why. I’m doing it cus my body desperately needs it. I haven’t been good to it lately and I can feel the effects of being unhealthy and inactive. Let’s get right to it, I haven’t been eating right or working out. AT ALL. Total 180° from what I used to do. It was rough around the holidays and then from there it just continued. Then I got into some hobbies which now take up almost all of my free time (which I may discuss at a later time). I really need to work on having balance in my life. If only I could quit my day job and do what I really love (hobbies and being healthy 😛). So for the first time two Saturdays ago, I got to try Peel’d juices. They’re amazing, I’m totally addicted. I browsed their Instagram and website and I read they offer cleansing programs. Fast forward after researching and emailing them, I committed to doing a 5-day cleansing program which starts tomorrow! I’m excited but I’m also nervous because this is my first time doing something like this. I know in the end I’ll only be glad I did! The good thing is that last week, before even deciding to the cleanse, I started to fix the areas of my eating that I could on my own. I cut down on caffeine, meat and sugar. I even replaced meals with juice or smoothies. Come Friday I felt great. Then the weekend happened and like it always does, I messed up. But it’s okay, I forgive myself…definitely not going to dwell on it. So I’ve got my food bought and prepared for the next couple days and I’ll probably replenish again in a couple days. It’s pretty much going to be a vegan diet paired with the juices and smoothies. Funnily enough, I already want a steak as we speak, and I’m not even a big steak eater! 😝 I just gotta remind myself to be strong but listen to my body if something doesn’t feel right. The good thing is with this program is that it is made for you to eat and to not go hungry! image For this experience, I’ll be blogging each day to talk about how I’m feeling, my body’s reactions and all the different processes involved. I’ll definitely be showing off my smoothies and juices I get from Peel’d too!

Wish me luck!

happily ever after starts here

Will has been the most amazing blessing in my life. In the years we have dated, I have not felt more loved, more cared for and most of all, happier than I have been while we’ve been together. I can say that when I’m with him, I can be completely myself and he still loves me anyway…;). He makes me laugh in his own special way, is there for me when I need him, has also helped me to want be a better person and isn’t afraid to be honest with me, but I know it’s all out of love. The 5 years we’ve been dating encompasses so much; our relationship grew and individually, we grew and changed too, yet we remained at each other’s side. He helped me through so much, while I also provided my advice and support in his moments of need. We work out together, cook together, help dress one another, drive one another crazy, shared bouts of tears and so many countless moments of uninhibited laughter from one another’s strange quirks and antics. When I look back at our relationship, I feel complete joy. There’s no one out there I feel closer to, more comfortable with and more ready to spend the rest of my life with than him. He really is the Love of My Life!

On Friday, August 29th 2014, Will asked me to marry him. I still can’t believe a month later that it actually happened. It was like a dream, the most beautiful dream I could think of but I am lucky enough to have had it happen to me in real life! The day started out with me getting ready for a day at Disneyland. I was getting a little more glammed up than usual because our friend Ryan would be taking more pictures of us at the park in celebration of our 5-year dating anniversary. (The day before, we spent it at Disneyland’s California Adventure (DCA) and there, the dynamic photography duo of Ryan and Jo took some pictures of us.) So back to the day of…we met up with Ryan and Jo outside of the gates of Disneyland bright and early, actually a little too early since the park had not yet opened. So we were able to go into DCA (thanks to a wonderful Disneyland cast member) that provided us with an Extra Magic Hour pass. We went there, got coffee and took a few more shots while we waited for Disneyland to open. When the 9 o’clock hour hit, we walked over to the Disneyland gates to enter. Ryan and Jo wanted to tackle Sleeping Beauty’s Castle first for pictures to avoid it being too crowded. It was perfect when we got there because not many people were trying to take their pictures there.

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Ryan had us pose right front and center of the castle and took some shots of us. At the time, I was not paying attention, but Ryan had cued Will by saying, “It’s perfect, Will!” and at that very moment (the video captures it very well, actually!), I’m getting ready to step out from the center but Will gets down on one knee. I’m so shocked at this point and immediately start crying! I couldn’t believe it! Will is looking at me, talking to me and I continue to cry. He even sheds a few tears as he’s talking to me and saying the sweetest words. He finally says to me, “You’re my happily ever after, will you marry me?” (Each time I think about this moment, and even as I’m typing this, I get teary eyed!) Of course, I say “Yes!” and give him a huge kiss as he gets up and proceeds to put the ring on my finger. Everyone around us clapped and cheered us on. It was such a beautiful moment and so perfect!

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It’s true, I honestly didn’t think that The Happiest Place on Earth could get any happier. I’ve always loved Disneyland, so much in fact that we’re Annual Passholders and this was our third trip to Disneyland this year and we even have a couple more planned in the future. I’ve always loved Disneyland for the magical feeling it gives when you’re there, and how it can bring to life stories of fantasy, love and things beyond our wildest dreams. Now I love Disneyland even more because there is where a wish and a dream I have held in my heart came true. Will and I are now engaged to be married!

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August has become an even more special month, adding onto celebrating the first time we met, my birthday, and our dating anniversary, in the years to come we will also be celebrating the anniversary of our engagement. I can’t wait to really start planning for our big day. It’s crazy how things happen, to think he was just some stranger who I happened to cross paths with one day and now he’s my fiancé, my future husband. He’s My Happily Ever After and each day we’re together is like a fairytale…<3
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not always easy

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That up there is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately! Since we got back from our anniversary vacation (that turned into an engagement celebration…story to come later!), I’ve been trying to get back into the groove of eating right and working out. I’m pretty much all the way there now, but mentally I’m not. It’s been a struggle with desiring to eat better and workout, especially run, which I should be doing since I have another half marathon to do in November.

Lately, I just wanna sit around, watch TV and play on my phone (Tsum Tsum) to be exact and boy, do I want to eat delicious and bad food! I’m only human, and it could be possible that my body is still detoxing from all the yumminess we devoured while on our Disneyland vacation. I know I gotta get back on it but part of me wants to relax a little, but my fear of gaining weight and becoming less fit is strong. So I’m stuck in a battle between my momentary lack of enthusiasm and my want to maintain/improve where I’m at. Luckily, the latter is winning, but I still want my sweets and my chips! Lol.

I guess now is when all that time I practiced being so disciplined is finally paying off. I don’t want to go back to where I was before, or even emerge on the journey that would lead me there. In fact, I’m determined to improve my physique by losing more weight but goshdarnit I’m stuck losing/gaining the same 3 lbs. I’m just yoyo-ing back and forth and it’s soooo frustrating. But now, I’m done playing around and it really is time to get serious. My struggle will not be in vain. Telling myself “no” to what is bad for me will be a victory each time.

I know I say it all the time, but it still surprises me how far I’ve come. Despite having to sometimes deal with an “angel” AKA “the new and improved me” on my shoulder telling me to eat right and exercise, and a “devil” AKA “the old and unhealthy me” on the other, I know that the right choice is to continue to strive to be healthy and active. It really is a lifestyle. No matter how much I would love to be lax and enjoy my salty and sweet treats, I know that what’s best for me now and in the long run!